Dear Reader,

Today I feel I really have to say a few words about the topic “sex mob”. A North African, or even Arab-looking mob, if we believe the news, who soils our cities and molests our women. Dear connoisseur of the Diercke World Atlas and admirer of the Maghreb, my first question is, where do you exactly think is the border between Arabia/Middle East and North Africa? Never mind. However you are absolutely right that Cologne, Frankfurt and Hamburg count at most as secondary settlement areas of those tribes. Germany is using all its mind power to sort out the matter. Cologne’s police commissioner already has been consigned to oblivion. I am sure we can also expect a nice, little committee of inquiry in the near future. After all, 2017 is the year of the regional elections.


Our Federal Minister of Justice, Heiko Maas, sees the phenomena “sex mob”, or the “hordes” of Cologne, as he calls them, as a “new form of organised crime.” We won’t hope that the minister suspects a governing party to be in any way complicit in the organisation, which would be rather damaged the Great Coalition; we must understand his utterings rather as an innovative addition to criminal terminology. Until now the term “organisation” meant something quite different to us, not a random cluster of drunks, then, we are always more than happy to be instructed.

Science, the administrative arm of law enforcement and lawyers are already back tracking: It might just be “conceivable” that the organised pick-pocket gangs, who since forever roam Cologne’s Central Station, could somehow have made their way to the cathedral area, on New Year’s Eve. Well, that might just have happened! If I would be a professional pickpocket, that is precisely where I would have been. Only on Shrove Monday, one would find more light-hearted and light-headed victims, all gathered at the same place.

Who then are these organised pickpockets who have been operating in this area for such a long time? Why do we hear about them only now? Now for a true story: Well before New Year’s Eve 2015, one evening, the columnist and his trolley bag, coming from the main station, was heading towards the cathedral area. He just managed to find safety in the hotel entrance from his pursuers, whom one could only described as “aggressive beggar” or “unorganised drug addict.” These gentlemen were most obviously neither of Arab nor North African descent, but simply native heroin aficionados. This was the third incident in two years, and no Interior Minister in sight.

On the 7th of January, our chancellor said she is reviewing the deportation policy. According to the Sueddeutsche Zeitung, Mrs Merkel is threatening to toughen up; ZEIT ONLINE adds that would mean a “turning point.” I am sure the mob is quivering with fear. Is that by any chance, the tiny voice of our constitution I can hear? Do we happen to live in a presidential democracy now without noticing it yet?

Obviously it is not yet fully thought through. I give you an immediate insight into the thought process now with a video from our chancellor: “It is right and proper that many, many police reports were filed,” the chancellor says. A lovely sentence which, of course, can be interpreted in two different ways. No one in their right mind would suggest that the chancellor is delighted about the large amount of complaints. Therefore the following version must be the correct one: many offences have been committed and it is right and proper that they are being reported. However, I have never heard the chancellor say that it is right and proper that so many petrol station robberies have been reported.

How does the chancellor know that there were so many criminal offences? In her place, I would say: I know that thanks to the many, many police reports that were filed. Hence the circle of fighting the mob, but also the circle of useless argumentation, closes. To talk about “right and proper” is either rather crazy or a bad distortion. Only in the eyes of the CDU/CSU, who are interested in changing the immigration policy, can the large amount of reports be seen as ‘right and proper.’

Massive Conspiracy!  


Dear Reader,

According to the chancellor there are “questions which go beyond Cologne: Does a common link exist? Does some sort of misogyny exist in some parts of a group?” “We have to resolutely oppose that.”

Does some sort of misogyny exist in some parts of a group? A good question, and ever so profound. Our reply: What exactly are “parts of groups”? Are they individuals? Does misogyny exist in humans? Or are we talking of subgroups? Might have anyone noticed as yet that in subgroups of groups, or in groups of parts, or in subgroups of subgroups, we possibly find such a thing as misogyny, contempt against men, contempt against Arabs and Turkish people, homophobia, contempt against headscarf wearers or any other form of contempt and hatred? Difficult question, I am so glad that finally someone vocalised it! Normally of course, nobody ever talks about such matters, it’s a big taboo.

The question about a “common link” beyond Cologne is even more astute. It is all a massive conspiracy!

Apropos taboo:  On the 7th of January, the papers said one could not eliminate that there were refugees amongst the suspects. On the 8th of January, we read that the delinquents possessed only immigration papers, and taunted a police officer with the following remark: “I am Syrian. You have to be nice to me, Frau Merkel invited me!” All this in perfect German – I call that swift integration!

No doubt the events unfolded precisely in that way, after all it is in the police report. Pegida members rattle their sabres. Alas, at the editorial deadline, it was as yet unknown if the afore quoted Syrian had committed an offence at all. I am sure we will find out at some point. I can’t believe that a police officer, with a university degree, and mocked in such a manner by a highly suspect suspect, did not arrest the man. Or maybe, the Syrian with the good command of German was not a suspect at all?

On the 9th of January, we read that of the 31 suspects 18 were asylum seekers. However, none of the 18 would be accused of any sex crimes. Nevertheless, on the same day, the feuilleton of the FAZ states that a media coverage which refuses to make a link between suspects and “refugees” is “the opposite of journalism.” On the 11th of January, the Sueddeutsche Zeitung announces that, of the over 500 complaints that were made, 20 (!) suspects would be investigated. The general consensus is that honesty is required when dealing with foreign criminality. This columnist whole-heartedly supports that. An informed society cannot put up with the same statements, year after year, and against all evidence: One still does not know if the international competitive sport consists of organised crime cartels. Alas, one has still not been able to figure out which foreign employees of the Deutsche Bank have squirreled away a third of the German future pensioners’ pension. It is also completely unclear if the pharmaceutical concern Pfizer abused our right of hospitality to bribe 100,000 German doctors, cheat 250 hospitals and damage the health of 5 million German women.

Therefore one has to agree with our party leaders: Put an end to the politically motivated mollycoddling of foreign criminals! Tough persecution of North American criminals who abuse the right of hospitality in Ramstein! (American airbase) Consequent investigation into foreign delinquents who, against law and order, bug German women’s phones! Immediate dismissal of ministers of the interior and justice as they, out of sheer political opportunism, refrained from intervening in the criminal acts of foreigners who, while on German soil, organised, ordered and executed kidnappings and torture, violating international law and human rights.

“I say: Zero tolerance towards criminal foreigners!” stated Sigmar Gabriel. “We have to sound out all possibilities of the international law to be able to send criminal foreigners home.” I couldn’t have said it better, Dear Reader. Even the so-called FDP (Free Democratic Party), the watchful eye of our constitutional state, can’t beat that: “Cologne should not be abused by inappropriate behaviour,” their representative said. When can we expect the proposed legislation concerning the legal offence of “abuse of cities”?

It is all meant satirically 

Women friendly

“The crowd consisted of ‘thousands’”, said our overly excited police union, which arrived at the scene, as ever, shortly after the event. After everyone had sobered up, a total of “about 400 people” was counted.

Dear Christian and Muslim Friends, it is possible that even two Jesuits from Oslo, on their way to Rome, might have been amongst that crowd. It is equally possible that you could have found one woman, four Irish men and twelve Russians in the pickpocket gang. We won’t mention all the British visitors, so well-known for spewing their guts all over the place and planet; it might just fuel more unnecessary resentment. All this is very possible, as we don’t know what the ‘criminal act’ of this organised gang was, or who the ‘perpetrators’ were.

“We have identified 21 suspects,” the Deutschlandfunk declared on the 8th of January, “however not all of them are yet in custody.” Hmm, well, says the not yet totally befuddled criminologist: If in Germany every suspect would be put in custody, we would need approximately ten times the amount of prisons. Pegida will then form a civil movement against penitentiaries and demand the preliminary death penalty.

Agreement of Integration

“Those North Africans and Arabs, we have to get hold of them in a different way”. Herr Buschkowsky,   retired district mayor, expert of Lebanese integration, a man who really ought to know, warned us, on the 6th of January, in the Deutschlandfunk, that integration is by no means a piece of cake. He calls for integration agreements. We have to demand from the Arab people to comply with our values.

Dear Herr Buschkowsky, we don’t really want to start asking when, and from where, your venerable ancestors immigrated into beautiful Germany, and since when and why they started to call themselves ‘we’ and what agreements they had to sign. I have to raise an interesting question here as to the legal doctrine. Can this ‘agreement of integration contract’ possibly be legally effective for future generations? I would say not. We, meaning the nationals, would have to demand of the (supposedly!) integration-happy foreigners, even if they are 2nd or 3rd generation, that they commit themselves, in writing, at their local immigration authorities, to eat fish on Friday, pork on Sunday, to respect women and to carry their Prophet in their hearts, but not through our streets. In case of a Polish person ‘Prophet’ would of course be changed to ‘Mother of God.’

Does integration end with the bestowal of the German citizenship? I think not; those two things are mere coincidental. If we are being very serious, very German, Herr de Mazière and Herr Buschkowsky might have to sign such an agreement themselves.

In any case, dear fellow citizens whose names end with a ‘-ky’, the integration of Polish economic migrants has been reasonably successful. Despite the fact that, since the 19th century, especially the Poles (parts of groups still call them ‘Pollacken’, but only as a joke) made a name for themselves in organised crime, formation of gangs, retreat into Polish speaking subcultures, and excessive boozing of such high-proof spirits, a Gelsenkirchner citizen wouldn’t even know they existed.

Harald Schmidt, refugee from Bohemia, actor in Düsseldorf near Cologne, has made millions, in plain sight, with jokes about Poles. Not a single chancellor ever said that the full force of the law has to be used against such a xenophobe; and Alfred Tetzlaff’s dim and dull Islamophobia is still a big laugh on New Year’s Eve TV, even after the 7th repeat. It is all extremely satirical, of course. A Muslim goes to the doctor……

Dear Reader, I am writing as an expert: during the first eight years of the New Federal States, four of my cars, earned through hard toil of mine, have been pilfered and abducted towards the Oder-Neiße. No matter: the Pole steals what he is lacking, same as the Chinese. Indeed, I would have been surprised if my Golf VR6 had been broken into by a female pensioner from Wolfsburg.

Different ways 


Back to the beginning, I don’t want to play down what happened or allegedly happened. Being subjected to violence, feeling utterly helpless and vulnerable, is a degrading and unsettling experience; an experience against which not only our claim of being a civilised society revolts, but against which there exist precautions in our German criminal code; including sexual assault. Venerable Legal Policymakers, I want to (most likely in vain) point out the following: Since approximately 140 years, grievous bodily harm is punished with 10 years of prison, sexual assault with 15 years, and robbery with 15 years. Hence it would not help the matter at all if you suddenly conjure up a new offence called ‘organised harassment by unorganised parts of groups.’ It already exists, and you, dear Parliamentarians, voted three times for it, over the last 15 years.

What can we learn from the experiences with sex mobs, and hordes of young, testosterone and alcohol-intoxicated young men? That should be our question. Here an especially revolting example. On the 29th September 2011, the Sueddeutsche Zeitung writes: “Even the short way to the toilet, a mere 30 metres, was a challenge: three hugs from total and very drunk strangers, two pats on the bum, one lifted skirt and a torrent of beer purposefully poured in the cleavage, all of that at 11 a.m. on a Saturday morning in the Hofbräu beer tent. The Oktoberfest had just opened its doors again.” The paper continues: “The grass areas under the Bavaria are dangerous as well, especially for women…” That has stuck in our minds. All those special broadcasts! Chief of Police resigns! Talks in the Bundestag! A video message to the German women from Angela Merkel! A tough crackdown by the constitutional state! For instance, in 2014, we got the “Twelve Oktoberfest tips for women: In case something unpleasant happens to you, please go the Security Point…Don’t leave the beer festival on your own or with a stranger…Only leave the tent with someone you know…” It is obvious that the ‘German Leitkultur’ (‘German lead culture’) thought long and hard how to put a stop to the sex mob! No doubt, that is the reason that in the last ten years, there were a mere 150 sexual assaults (or  just a little bit above) per Oktoberfest weekend.

Dear Female Reader, on the Mondays following those festive weekends, did Frau Merkel tell you: “It is right and proper that many, many reports have been made”? I hear the Minister for Justice and Consumer Protection say: “We won’t put up with those abhorrent attacks against women. Every perpetrator must be punished.”

Sorry, my mistake. He said that only on January the 5th, 2016. However it would be encouraging to hear such a statement, for instance, before an event which has caused so much trouble for so many decades. An event which, year after year, unleashes a wave of sexual violence, harassment, bodily harm and theft all over our country. It is sponsored by narcotic cartels (so- called breweries) and lead by honourable societies (so- called ‘Carnival Fools’). To reignite their faltering sexual fantasies, those ‘Fools’ in charge, male alcoholics, well past their Sixties, make 16 year-old half-naked girls dance for hours on end, climaxing in a  dull-rhythmic lifting of a leg, thereby exposing bum and pubic area. The organised degraders of women call those revolting rituals ‘Carnival Revue.’ They wear extremely funny red hats, and just in time, before the Marcumar (blood-thinning medication t/n) overwhelms them completely, discuss who will get the contract for the new underground. In the lower regions we find the, often female, Mayors and Ministers for Family Affairs shouting a hearty ‘Alaaf!’ (Cologne Carnival’s ‘Hooray!’)

Different ways

“These assaults won’t spoil our Carnival,” the words of the (female) Mayor of Cologne, and good for her. Should you ever stroll, with two girlfriends in tow, through Düsseldorf’s Old Town at 3pm, on a Saturday night, you will no longer doubt the meaning of a sexually-charged male mob. To link that kind of behaviour with the Carnival, as the citizens of Cologne will tell you, is absurd! To prove the point, a report from the local press of another safe and peaceful day of celebrations in Cologne’s Zülpich quarter, in 2014: “The officers evicted 43 (88) perpetrators, put 47 (39) in custody (numbers in brackets from the previous year). The police started 55 (46) criminal proceedings, amongst them criminal offences like bodily harm, pickpocketing, theft and breach of the narcotics act. ” Things developed further: “At a later hour, and due to increased alcohol consumption, the numbers of offences like bodily harm, property damage and insults rose considerably.”

Officer-in-charge Chief Superintendent H. takes stock: “The police guaranteed safety throughout thanks to their resolute intervention and continuous visibility.” All in all, a beautiful account.

Dear Arab Reader, one happy Carnival’s day in a single borough ended with 55 criminal offences, 18 arrests, a few dozen robberies, and several hundred injuries. However those happy days should not be spoiled through events, which, in the eyes of the vice president of the police union in North-Rhine Westphalia, were ‘absolutely inconceivable.’ Our feelings, or how the Minister of Home Affairs of NRW sees them: “We won’t accept that groups of North African men organise themselves to degrade helpless women through uninhibited sexual attacks.”

Criminal offences take place 

Alien law

Excesses and offences committed by foreigners somehow are worse than those by nationals, aren’t they? However, looking at the sexual offences, bodily harm and property crimes committed by groups of German males abroad, for example at the ‘Ballermann’ (beach and pub in Mallorca), they tend to be very similar in nature. The Majorcan is as impressed with the pasty, Sangria-vomiting women-molester from Cologne as the German is with dark-haired phone thieves.

There are of course two differences. Firstly: The male German group leaves wads of cash at the Majorcan ‘Ballermann’. Does that really restore the honour of women though?

Secondly: At home, in Germany, the foreigners are not that noticeable. However, when, for example, 30,000 blonde men, of an average height of 1.82 meters and an average weight of 105 kilogrammes, fly from Frankfurt to Bangkok, Manila or Saigon, to humiliate under-aged prostitutes and grope every female in sight, that might seem equally ‘inconceivable’ to the shorter Thai male. The German, of course, sees that differently. He does not conceive his behaviour in Bangkok as odd. Far from it: he knows that the Germans are welcomed and loved, feel at home all over the world, as they are true natives wherever they go. However, even the male German sex tourist still has a sense of bureaucratic correctness: Here is my credit slip; this entitles me to oral sex, including swallowing, and a pedicure.

Our chancellor wants to review, that means alter, the German deportation practise. In the Sueddeutsche Zeitung from the 8th of January, our Minister of Interior looked like he wanted to immediately deport every single Huguenot to Paris and Metz, where supposedly North African and other foreign males belong.

The head of the Foreigners’ Department sighs. “Oh dear, oh dear! Our right of hospitality! Human Rights! The Geneva Convention!” Imagine that on Halloween, Albert Einstein, asylum seeker in the US, would have groped the breasts (reaching through a hollow pumpkin) of a female secretary. Or that, on Karl Marx’s birthday, the asylum seeker Berthold Brecht, inebriated by gallons of Russian vodka, would have done a spot of shoplifting. What would Monsieur de Mazière have done, in his position as either Sheriff of Princeton or United States Secretary of the Interior? He would have thought long and hard, I assume. He would have weighed up the theft in California, or the sexual assault in New York, with the looming mortal danger in Germany. Then, I guess, he would have acted just as he does now. He would have done nothing, thereby saving him and us from farcical ‘concern’, from the idle talk of ‘consequences’ which only would occur if our constitutional state would be transformed into an unconstitutional one.   

Pegida demonstrates for the German woman! How ghastly is that! In such dire times, the German Social Democrat is not allowed to dither, his last resort: he simply does what Pegida wants. As otherwise he might not stay in office, and that really can’t be the solution. He might not save the constitutional state but at least his job.


What a badly choreographed and strange dance it all is: in our country we have a few hundred thousand badly integrated young men. 90% of them are German, 10% foreigners. Apart from a few social workers, mocked as ‘do-gooders’, and the unemployment office, no one looks after them. By far the most violent group amongst them are the sons and grandsons of emigrants from the former Soviet Union, especially Kazakhstan – they were, at that time, invited by Helmut Kohl. They are called Waldemar or Johann, they are German, and they tend to be Christian; their Christianity surpassing that of any young person from Berlin or Cologne, aged between 15 and 25.

By the way, we have our own sex mob in this country, and it dominates huge chunks of our everyday reality. The organisers sit in the big offices of Germany’s favourite yellow press and TV channels. Any North African male, exposed to one week of ‘woman’ in the mass media, must go bonkers, or he is not a Muslim.

Criminal offences occur, that is a fact, three million each year in Germany (only 150 of them around the Cologne Main Station on 31st of December 2015). The perpetrators are nationals, foreigners, Arabs and North Africans. Some offences are committed mainly by nationals (tax fraud), some mainly by foreigners (illegal immigration), some are gender-related (bodily harm) or intrinsic to opportunity (fraud). All of them need to be persecuted and punished. However not “with the full rigour of the law” or “vigorously” and also not “uncompromisingly”, but in the way we, as civilised Rhinelanders, have learnt: to look at every case individually. To say that asylum seekers (or refugees) have to be punished mercilessly is stupid and has no legal foundation whatsoever.

Let’s imagine a Tibetan, who was sentenced to death in Shanghai, seeks asylum in Spain, then is caught pickpocketing over there, and Spain decides to deport him to China. The German press and public would be up in arms for days about such a barbaric act. All around the Cologne cathedral concerned citizens would light candles in solidarity with this unfortunate young man; and our dear Manuela, (Manuela Schwesig, Federal Minister of Family Affairs, Senior Citizens, Women and Youth) personally would offer him an apprenticeship as a zoo keeper.

“Abusing the right of hospitality”, what a lovely term, alas it is a poisonous and very complicated one. Does right of asylum count as right of hospitality? Dear Reader, are you aware how many hundred thousand times per year the Germans abuse the right of hospitality abroad? What is the difference of ‘abuse’ between the German hotel guest stealing the towels and espresso maker in Spain, and the asylum seeker from Libya who nicks cigarettes and mobile phones here?

The Germans have a very unilateral view of ‘hospitality’, which poses a slight problem. You won’t find the same hospitality here as in Arab or Asian countries, I can tell you that. Every autumn, millions of Germans flock home from every corner of the earth. They gush over the ‘incredible hospitality’ of the Arabs, or North Africans or whoever else. Three percent of those German tourists steal from their generous hosts: corals, endangered animals or antique stones.

A little step, but a long way!


Dear Fellow Citizens, please stay calm and don’t get angry! Pretty much the same amount of offences was committed on the 31st December 2015 as on any given 31st of December. The percentage of offences committed by foreigners has not risen.

By nature, a North African male is as prone to commit rape as a North German male; however, his understanding of the social adequacy of male violence is in our eyes rather odd. We should concentrate on that. If one removes the Arab perpetrators, that still leaves 90 percent of young, male offenders who share a very similar view when it comes to the honour of women, and those guys are most definitely German. They perpetually swear on ‘love’ and ‘honour’ and leave a trail of blood and sperm from Saarbrücken to Usedom. We could catch most, not all, of them, calm them down and help them to gain a more positive outlook on life, provided that we respect their human dignity.

 However, that is not the case. We put up with them, despise them, or ignore them. Why doesn’t anyone, any politician, see them as a bad omen, as the writing on the wall of our cultural destruction? The government writes off 20,000 million Euros for the rehabilitation of crazed investment bankers, so no more harm is done to the German middle classes. However, when in Cologne 13 more positions for teachers and social workers are requested so they might make the life of a few hundred miserable losers a tiny bit better, a thousand Pegida members march around the cathedral, murmuring: ”Deliver us from the Arabs.”

 “Another loophole in criminal justice system has been exposed! Too little criminal liability! “the papers cry. So far, the extension of the Criminal Offence paragraph 177, German Penal Code, faced criticism, but “now things are finally taking off.” Federal Minister of Justice Heiko Maas “sees himself vindicated.” It has all been discussed before; nevertheless the same untruths are told over and over again: Until now, sexual coercion was only treated as a criminal offence if the victim was threatened – etcetera, etcetera.

Frau Künast (member of German Parliament, Alliance ‘90/The Greens) thinks the law should be even tougher. Frau Göring-Eckhardt (German politician, Alliance ‘90/The Greens) demands “the full force of the law” (whatever this idiotic expression means), regardless if the perpetrator comes from Germany or abroad”, she admonishes. Well, it looks like even unfinished theological studies sharpen the merciless Protestant perception. Once upon a time, long, long time ago, a sentence like that, coming out of the mouth of a figurehead of the Green Party, certainly would have caused quite a stir amongst the German population. Today, the former head of the synod of the EKD (Evangelical Church in Germany) just wants to make sure that foreigners are no longer favoured in any way. A small step, but a long path!

The ‘safety for victims’ slogans, ever present now, are nothing more than a very basic instrumentalisation, lacking in any intellectual honesty. The “inconceivable” horror that seizes the brave policeman from North Rhine-Westphalia who remembers the “North African-looking” men on the one hand, and our, sexual integer, milky-white women on the other, has various reasons, good ones and not so good ones. I won’t even mention the downright rotten ones. However one thing is true: No one should coerce, steal from, rob from, or sexually assault either men or women. The police in Marrakech, Algiers, Tunis and Tripoli are of the same opinion, without doubt.

In Cologne, people were grabbed, groped, robbed, blackmailed and threatened – those are all already punishable offences. We are dealing with robbery, extortion, sexual assault, severe coercion, personal injury, threat, insult and theft; maximum penalties apply and have done so for a long time. The forced closure of the so called “criminal liability loophole” has nothing to do with it.


In Cologne, the next police commissioner will defend the honour of the German woman with tooth and nail. Our Interior Minister will have been under immense pressure to allow Herrn Til Schweiger to station himself, armed with a machine gun, outside the Oktoberfest toilets, and mow down any gay drunk reaching for the private parts of innocent males relieving themselves. German, North African and veiled women will stroll in the station area, again and again, in the deep of the night, even on December the 31st, and no one will bother them. I am sure of it.

Firstly, we will sign integration agreements with all foreigners. By the way, those agreements actually already exist in Germany; they are called ‘Baptism’: Any foreigner in this world – which means every single one of us – can sign an agreement of good conduct; the only things required are two guarantors. A few percent manage to behave themselves, the rest alas not. “Tough luck”, shouts our archangel Gabriel (Sigmar Gabriel, German Vice-Chancellor), “Straight to Hell!”

Secondly, if that does not work, Frau Merkel will do some straight talking with the perpetrators; the only language the foreign Muslim or North African Christian or anybody else, apart from us, seems to understand.

Thirdly, Germany is a cosmopolitan and enlightened country. Everybody can find happiness here, as we, ourselves, are so tremendously happy.